NINJAS!?

Today I went to the movies.

I went to see "No Country for Old Men."

Somewhere between buying my ticket and getting something to drink I decided that I didn't want to see something so "serious," so I looked at the other listings and decided to see "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale."

Oops.

Apparently this movie was based on a video game. Had I known that, I might have stuck with my original choice- let's just say that Roger Ebert's views on movies that are based on games are right on target. I can imagine this movie having been written on a laptop, during study halls, by an inhaler-dependent 9th grader who plays too many video games and/or Magic: the Gathering.

I also wish I'd known that this movie was directed by Uwe Boller, but that's another topic for another day.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on this movie- or at least as many as I could jam onto the back of my ticket stub in a dark theater.

The Plot

There really isn't a single "plot," there are many- none of them well-developed. There's the long-lost son of the king, the nephew who wants to overthrow the king, the evil magician who's trying to overthrow thing king, and some other stuff.

There are also subhuman warriors- controlled by Gallian, the evil magician- who run some sort of slave-populated underground mines (complete with flowing lava). They are called "Krugs." "What do they mine? Why must it be mined? These are details the viewer apparently does not need to know. Another question lingers too: the first time I saw this plotline weren't they called "Orcs," and didn't they appear in three other small movies as masters of underground mines? I'm just asking...

The Script

I'm not sure there was one. And if there was, my hat is off to the actors for not bursting into laughter after some of the lines they had to deliver.

The Setting

The movie is set in medieval "somewhere" (in this case, British Columbia) at some "medieval time." Apparently there must have been some disagreement about these things. There is a church and there are some references to Christianity...but then at the end of the movie there is all kinds of talk about "The Gods." Who knows...

The Mistakes

Okay, I'm only going to point out one. There's a scene where two characters are digging some graves with shovels that could have been purchased at your friendly neighborhood ACE Hardware store- I am surprised that they actually remembered to remove the labels from them. Hint to those who make movies about the medieval period in European history- metal was hard to come by and expensive, dirt poor farmers would have wooden shovels.

The Cast

• Jason Statham: I like Jason Statham. No, he's not Olivier, but then, to the best of my knowledge, he has never attempted Hamlet either. If you need a fit, more or less handsome, working-class Englishman to deliver raspy, B-grade, Clint Eastwood dialog in an action movie, he's your man. Keeping that in mind, I cannot fault his performance here, he did the job he was hired to do.

• Leelee Sobieski: I don't even know if she's a good actress or not, I'm simply to consumed with trying to figure out if she is breathtakingly beautiful, or just really odd looking? Also, as an historian, she gets a partial "pass" for being related to Poland's royal family- particularly national hero Jan III Sobieski, who saved Vienna from the Turks.

• Jonathan Rhys-Davies: This man has been making films for over 40 years- what on Earth is he doing in this film? Here are just a few of his prior credits: I, Claudius, Shogun, The Merchant of Venice, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and all of the Lord of the Rings movies. In this movie, he plays a cut-rate Merlin type character.

• Ron Perlman: Once again, let's look at the best of this actor's previous work: The Name of the Rose, Enemy at the Gates, and Hellboy. He plays what there is of his part- grizzled, aging, but wise, soldier, just fine.

• Claire Forlani: This would have been a better movie if all 124 minutes had been spent on her, sitting in a chair, doing nothing but looking at the camera.

• Kristianna Loken: She was in the last Terminator movie, she's beautiful, but her role in this movie is so small that I suspect (and there are lots of other things in this movie that lead me to this conclusion) that large parts of this movie were left on the proverbial "cutting room floor." (Confirmed: according to the film's Wikipedia page, the DVD release will be 45 minutes longer)
  

• Matthew Lillard: This is the "level" of actor this movie deserved. Take a look at his IMDB entry and you'll see that I don't mean that as a compliment.

• Ray Liotta: Ray, you were Henry Hill in "Goodfellas." GOODFELLAS!! Now you're an evil wizard in a movie based on a video game?! I'm going to assume this film was made just prior to Ray's February 2007 DUI arrest, it would explain a lot.

And one more...

• Burt Reynolds: Again, Burt has never been an Oscar caliber actor, but this movie? He was in Gator, Deliverance, The Longest Yard, Semi-Tough, Smokey and the Bandit, Cannonball Run, and Sharky's Machine. He couldn't possibly have needed the paycheck this badly, could he?

Oh, right, you were probably waiting for me to get to the Ninjas...

As an historian I know that medieval Europe was a much more multicultural and multiracial society than the modern world assumes, especially in southern Europe, larger cities and where trade routes intersected. Therefore, if a movie about medieval Europe contains some "people of color" in one or more of the contexts, I not only understand it, but I also applaud it for its accuracy. This movie did none of these things, and yet...

...and yet there is one major character and one minor one who are African- no explanation given. There are also several Asian faces seen behind the helmets of the king's soldiers.

And then there are the Ninjas.

During the major battle scene(s) there is a small group of Asians clad in loose black clothing who attack the enemy while spinning, kicking, and brandishing swords in both hands.

Ninjas. Really?