Once and for all.

I know this makes people think, I don't know- that I'm a robot, that I was raised by a Luddites*, or that I suffered some sort of trauma(s) as a youngster, but...

1. Despite being a very early reader (before I started kindergarten) I did not like children's books as a child (or now for that matter). Please stop asking me if I read "The Aventures of Honker and Pinball in the Land of Candy and Unicorns," or whatever- I didn't. Would you like know what I read? Here's an instructive anecdote..

The scene: The gift shop at historic Gettysburg Battlefield as my grandmother puts a book on the checkout counter c. 1975.

Clerk: "And who is this for?"

Gram: "It's for him." Pointing down to me (though not too far, she was only 5'0" tall)

Clerk: "Oh. You know this is not a children's book, don't you?"

Gram: "I do, but it's the one he wanted."

Clerk: "I think he's going to have a hard time with it..."

Gram: "I don't think so- why don't you ask him a few questions about Gettysburg- or the Civil War in general?"

I'll stop here and summarize by saying the clerk got "pwn3d." (That's what the kids say, right?)

(A very similar scene took place at the Museum of Science in Boston around the same time, but involving a book about dinosaurs that had more text than pictures.)

2. I don't like holiday TV specials- regardless of the holiday. The only reason I've seen any of them is because my younger siblings always wanted to watch them and we only had one television when we were young so I was left with no choice. What's that? "What about A Christmas Story, surely you liked that!?" Nope, not at all. You'd need a gun or a lot of money to watch it again.

Thanks for letting me clear that up. Now let's talk about something interesting!

*this could be partially true- Thanks, Dad! ;)

The worst "season" in New England

It's right now, that time after all the leaves have fallen, it's become bitterly cold, and there's no snow on the ground.

"Bleak" is the word that comes to mind.

I thought of this while driving this morning and seeing a few stray snowflakes in the air and that made me think that all it would take was a thick carpet of fresh snow to make this one of the best seasons of the year.

And the scales fell from my eyes...

I realized this morning that I work with one of the least sincere people I have ever met.

The Christmas Betting Line

That's right, it's the fourth annual Christmas List odds!

Last year was my best so far: 5 correct predictions, 2 incorrect predictions, and one "push."

One change this year: instead of doing proper "odds," I'm going to go with percentages- anything above 50% means I think I'll get it, anything lower than 50% means I don't think I'll get it.

So here's this year's list and my predictions:

Four books by Ross MacDonald, all will be available at Amazon starting on Dec. 7: “Blue City,” “Meet Me at the Morgue,” “The Three Roads,” and “The Ferguson Affair.”

100%: I won't get them all, but I'll get at least one.

Peerless 76950 2-in-1 Shower System (Chrome)

20%: There's always a chance, but it's a little pricey, non-essential, and frankly, who wants to be the person who buys somebody a shower head for Christmas?

Magic Chef .9 Cubic Foot Microwave Oven in Red (MCD990R)

50%: I'm hedging on this one. Mom's been good about stuff like this in the last few years (the George Foreman grill from last year being a good example.) so it's "possible," but perhaps not "probable."

Indoor/Outdoor Digital Thermometer

100%: Of all the things on the list this year, this is the lock. Not expensive, practical, and easy to "farm out" to a relative or friend who has no idea what to get me.

“Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood” for PS3

50%: This one is tough I've been right and wrong about PS3 games in the past. What I do know is that if I do get it my brother will be the one who buys it for me.

PlayStation “Move” Starter Bundle

65%: Two weeks ago I would have said maybe 30%, but my Mom asked me some questions about it at Thanksgiving, so I'm inclined to think she might make it happen.

Gift Certificates to any of the following: EMS, REI, Old Navy, Borders, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IKEA, Marshall's/TJMaxx, iTunes, or Target.

100%: I'll get at least one from Amazon and I WILL NOT get one from IKEA- Mom had a bad experience with them last year.

“The African Queen” BluRay Disc.

70%: I feel pretty good about this one- it's the only movie on my list and I always seem to get a movie from somebody.

Post-It notes in assorted colors/sizes.

100%: Lock.

Room credits for the cruise.

75%: I not only think I'll get these, I'm going to say that I'll get them from at least two people.

Roadpro 12V, 2 Outlet Platinum Series Fused Cigarette Lighter Adapter.

100%: Cheap and practical, another gift that is easily farmed out.

“Otis Blue/Otis Redding Sings Soul” (CD)

100%: My spies tell me it was already purchased.

Pure Komachi 2 Series 8” Bread Knife (Orange)

50%: I split the difference because I'm sure I'll get a bread knife but I'm not confident that I'll get this one- even though it's under $10!

Salomon XT S-Lab 3 Sneakers (size 10)

0%: Not a chance in hell- too expensive- but you've got to take a chance, right?

Iomega eGo 1TB USB 2.0 FireWire 800 Desktop External Hard Drive, Mac Edition - 34794

15%: This is another one that I probably won't get, but if I do, my brother will be responsible.

I'll be back in three weeks with the results!

Avatar

I finally got around to getting it from Netflix and I have two things to say about it:

1. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a movie this bad.

2. I can't remember the last time a movie was so bad that I didn't bother to finish it.

I'm going to bed.

You're killing me people, KILLING ME!

I am trying to sell a few items on Craigslist and doing well- I've sold two of the four items and gotten what I feel to be a fair price for them. There is, however, a slight problem...

On two different occasions I've been contacted by interested parties who, after I suggested places to meet and make the exchange, sent me an email that went something like this-

"Oh, you live in Shelbyville, Connecticut? I thought you lived in Shelbyville, Rhode Island!"

Okay, here's how it works on Craigslist: When you search for an item in the "classifieds" section it returns the results for your local Craigslist, then below that- and CLEARLY LABLED- it shows you similar items from bordering/nearby Craigslist localities.

In short, learn to READ!

I'll probably do this at some point.

Longer ago than I'd care to remember at this point I made a cross-country drive (CT to AZ and back) by myself and I really enjoyed it and I'd like to do it again.

The next time, though, I'd like to do as much of the driving as possible at night.*

America just looks different at night and I'd love to see things like the Great Plains and the Rocky Mountains by moonlight and small towns and big cities by streetlight.

That looks much more sappy in print than it sounds in my head, but I think it would be really interesting and maybe even a little bit dangerous.

*not the PA Turnpike, though, that was hellish.

Seriously?

Vegan Smoking Woman was wearing leather today.

Were I not so busy having a horrible work day today I might have engaged her in conversation about this.

She got lucky.

Quoth the Vegan...

"If you cared at all about your body or the environment you'd stop eating meat."

I'm not inclined in this "direction" to begin with, so it should come as any surprise to the person who said this to me that I have no plans to heed her words.

It probably didn't help that she was smoking a cigarette while she was saying this to me.

Well, THAT was uncalled for!!

...nothing like finding out only a few days in advance that you're going to be running in a 5K on Thanksgiving morning!

It's bad enough that I hadn't trained- at all!- for the race, but I was also nursing two injuries left over from soccer this summer/fall.

I didn't stop during the race and I did finish, but my time was a joke.

I guess the saving grace is that it made my family and friends happy that I took part, and I'll try to remember that as I limp around for the next few days...or weeks.

Hopefully I'll be healed up in time from my surgery (shooting for midwinter) that I'll actually be ready for next year's race.

We'll see.

A Question

Okay, so I really don't like talking on the phone. I'm not sure why. Other than my family there is exactly one person that I will talk to at length on the phone- one. I talk to that person maybe three or four times a year. I'd rather talk to somebody in person, send an email, or- gasp!- write somebody a letter!

Clearly, however, all of these things put me in a very, very small minority and that's just fine with me, but it leaves me with a question.

When I see all of these people out in public on their cellphones all the time, who are they talking to and what the hell are they talking about!?

Quote of the Day

Today's quote comes from former Scottish international footballer Gordon Strachan:

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"

Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

I know your secret identity!

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

It took me a little while, but once I figured out how you found my blog I knew it was you!

So, Abby, let me be perfectly clear about a few things:

1. You are a horrible person. Maybe now that your "inside" and "outside" match you will learn that you have to be nice to people. Guess what? No matter how beautiful you are (were!) it doesn't really help when people can't stand being in the same room with you.

2. Your sunglasses are ugly, but what made you look like a jackass was the fact that when I ran into you the other day it was raining!

3. Am I bitter? Sure. Mainly because I ignored what everyone told me about you and entered into a relationship with you anyway (see, no "s"). So, sure, I'll take some of the blame.

Have fun in Austin, I won't be visiting.

I would prefer not to.

I think Bartleby the Scrivener may be my hero.

Is it wrong?

To become giddily happy upon learning that an ex who treated you badly has gained a prodigious amount of weight? I mean, dozens and dozens of pounds?

Well, if that's wrong I don't want to be right.

Oh, and the sunglasses make you look like a preppy jackass.

Wait, that was redundant.

A Brief Reminder

Folks, if I may borrow a line from George Constanza, "We're living in a society!!"

What does that mean? It means that while we don't have to like each other, if our society is going to continue to exist, we at least have to control ourselves just a wee bit. For example:

• There is no reason for you to stand so close to me in the checkout at the grocery store that I can feel you breathing on the back of my neck. Seriously, no hyperbole here at all, I could feel the woman's breath. Did I mention that I was at the self-checkout line?
  
• Speaking of the checkout line, who still writes a check at the grocery store?! Seriously, it's 2010, you can get an ATM card which deducts funds directly from your checking account! I'm sure if you send your bank a telegram they will dispatch one of these magical cards to you by the next available mail coach.
  
• You can ride my back bumper as much as you want, it won't make the car in front of me go any faster.
• Your two-footed, studs-up tackle that took out both of my legs and drew blood from one of my ankles was uncalled for in any game, but especially a pick-up soccer game. Please note that, when I was eventually able to stand up, I shook your hand and told you "don't worry about it." Just because you think you live in "Thunderdome" doesn't mean I have to join you there.
• Earlier this week I went to see George Clooney's new movie, "The American." I quite enjoyed it. The consensus of those exiting the theater with me, however, included comments like, "All the good stuff was in the trailer..." and "There was barely any action!" I guess I was mistaken in thinking that it was a well-crafted, thoughtful film, that raised a lot of interesting questions that are usually lost amid the car chases and explosions.
• Sitting in your beat-up van by yourself with the dome light on at 4:30am is creepy under any circumstances. Doing it in a van that is full of all of your "hoarding" materiel in the parking lot of the building from which you were evicted because of what your hoarding did to your apartment? SUPER-creepy.
• The way to return from six weeks on paid administrative leave because of your bi-polar disorder is not to work a day, call-in sick the next day, then leave after half a day on your third day. Furthermore, upon returning from your time away it's pretty bad form to spend that third day talking about how excited you are to take a vacation before the end of the month. I may be taking a vacation next spring- in case you were wondering.

Again, I'm not even saying you have to be nice, just civil and, frankly, reasonably normal.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Ha!

Roger Clemens has been indicted for perjury.

Serves you right you sanctimonious...

FYI

Working with a genuinely mentally ill person is exhausting.

I wish her only the best in getting the help she needs, but I hope she is gone soon. And "real" help, not the kind where your psychiatrist tells you something you don't want to hear and then you "fire" her, or, when your new doctor changes your medication, deciding you don't like the change and going back to your old medication- without telling the doctor.

Going to work- always a challenge for a person as lazy as I am- has become almost unbearable.

Did This Really Have To Happen?

Let me preface this by saying that I have no animosity towards any of the people below and that all of this happened after I had discovered at my first destination that I had left my wallet at home, requiring a 40 minute round trip that I hadn't planned on making. So, I might not have been in the best mood.

Today was my only day off this week and not much of one as I had numerous unavoidable tasks that I had to complete. The first of which was to fill my car with gas for a lengthy drive I have to make tomorrow afternoon.

I pulled into my usual gas station and as I was exiting the car a co-worker pulled in next to me. Luckily, he was preoccupied with his own business and, let's just say, I don't look anything like my "work self" when I am out in the real world. As we were pumping our gas a third car pulled in next to him- another co-worker. They engaged each other in conversation as I was finishing up and I escaped unscathed. Well, not really, or I wouldn't be writing about it!

Wallet now on my person, I returned to the task at hand: getting my car inspected and an oil change. While waiting for this to be done I went to a near by movie theater and caught a matinee (Inception...meh.). After the movie I walked back to retrieve my car. I hadn't even put both feet through the door before I saw another co-worker. Pleasantries were exchanged, etc..

Again, nothing against any of these people- one of them is actually very nice- but I just didn't need to be reminded about what is waiting for me tomorrow!

I'm not dead!

Just busy.

I'll be back.

Whether you like it or not.